We are all driven. I maintain that if you peel away the layers of reason and feeling, you discover that the philosophic mysteries drive our actions. Who or what am I? why am I here? and what happens when I die? are a few of these uncertainties. These questions are answerable by you in this lifetime. That few people find answers is due to the amount of honest thought and effort they apply. To succeed in any endeavor requires you to turn your back upon other possibilities. Not forever, perhaps, but until you attain your true goal. A professional chef who also wants to be a professional musician finds that one or the other profession suffers.
The pursuit of my deepest desire demanded I turn my back upon careers and romantic relationships. Immediately some of you will react negatively to that. What is required is to balance our desires, you say. Well, you can try to juggle three flaming torches, or you can hold one steadily and light your way with it [c.f. Finding Balance article]. Even with the freedom of youth, this turning away and choosing one torch was difficult. Most people’s entire life, their meaning, is defined by work and family. What gives them definition also consumes their life’s energy. I had a number of career opportunities and a wonderful relationship and was torn between commitments many times. At these moments of decision, I found a way to ensure honesty in my choice.
The method was to ask, “Where is this decision taking me? Who will I be when all is said and done?” I imagined being an old man on his deathbed. In one ending I, the old man, looked back upon a life of accomplishments. A wonderful family perhaps, or wealth, or fighting to save the planet. Even allowing that I played the game of life perfectly and escaped unscathed, I was deeply disappointed. All I was and had done would fade away. Alone, in the face of my final moment, what I truly wanted was clear.
I wanted the alternate ending – to spend my life seeking an answer. The answer was unimaginable, and even if I didn’t find it, seeking was the only game that held the hope of certainty – the answer that would settle my soul.
With this method, you think through various life possibilities and prevent following numerous desires only to find them ultimately unsatisfying. Models of how to spend your life surround you. Ask yourself if that is how you want to end up. What could be more unsatisfying than to die ignorant of what should be most certain – your essence, your soul? Even with that thought, though, you still spin other dreams. Like a friend who had cancer told me, “Even though I know I have cancer, I still find myself turning on the tv, wasting time. You forget.” As other desires arise, return to this thinking through method to reinforce your deepest desire.
Once, while desperately frustrated with my spiritual search, I said to Richard Rose, “If I could think of some other place to go, I would.” I wanted to give up what, at the time, seemed an impossible task. I imagined burying my self in life’s details. I thought through every possible life I could live, other than the search. Only the interior search offered hope of dispelling the mystery and fear, and shedding light on the inkling of profundity I sensed inside. Every path other than the search was a play – a play whose stars were ignorant of the play’s purpose and of existence beyond the stage. Every other path eventually ran out and left me facing the mystery of life and the self.
Yet I wonder if there are some roles we must play in order to discard them. I’ve known people who half-heartedly followed a spiritual path while, let’s say, longing to walk in a beautiful meadow. They may even fear imagined snakes in the meadow or feel guilty for having the longing, yet their mind returns again and again to thoughts of the meadow. For example, if you have never fallen in (and out) of love, you may never willingly turn your back upon the possibility that a relationship would assuage your inner longing. Of course, there are longings other than philosophic ones pushing you to explore romantic love (a welter of lust, pride, fear, and selfless friendship). Clearly seen in action, such drives reveal the need for a deeper resolution.
So a certain amount of success and disappointment with the world is required, yet as much as possible you want to avoid poking your head into every oven only to discover it is as hot as the previous one. Time is running out. Think your way through desires instead of exploring every one. You may fear missing out, but billions have gone down those other roads before you and never returned. Unimaginable possibilities await.